The Third Nipple

Yes, I'm still here, still alive, still plucking along through every nausea-filled moment, and actually managing to take some pictures here and there, which I promise to post soon:  more pictures of the kids playing "dress-up"; pictures of Logan's and Patrick's several birthday celebrations; pictures of Phil's new leaves.  But it might take me a while - it's kind of hard to post with my head down the toilet.

So, here I am, teetering on the edge of the topic I know too well that I shouldn't even begin writing about, and yet I can't fight this urge to get it out of my system.  It's not as if there aren't so many more pleasant, worthwhile things that I could write about - the weather, the kids, my deeply moving experience singing at "Rock n Roll Church" again on Saturday, An's continued amazing successes at school and hunt for the perfect prom dress - but it's hard to stay focused on these pleasant things when the inside of my mouth constantly tastes like the armpit of a seasoned Amsterdam hooker.

Or a sweaty jock-strap.  Or some other equally-disgusting and offensive odor/flavor combination, but definitely one that suggests the primordial ooze from which we all come.  I can only imagine that my body is so steeped in this primordial baby-making ooze that it can't help but back-up into my esophagus. 

So yes, there's the nausea.  Then, there was the week or so of the stomach flu, which necessitated a course of antibiotics, which quite naturally brings on - say it with me, ladies - well, if you can say it with me then perhaps I can spare those unaffiliated with this burning phenomenon from too much information.  Let's just say, I'm gettin' no relief here, people.

During my last equally-sufferable pregnancy, I discovered this book,  Pregnancy Sucks, which is the first pregnancy-related book I read that was not entirely devoted to the "wonders" of pregnancy, the beauty of childbirth, and the ever-importance of maintaining your pregnant body as a drug-free vessel of purity for your unborn child, despite any mild discomforts.  Rather, Pregnancy Sucks had it all - the real deal on all the unpleasantness I had been experiencing, and even a few things I hadn't.

I specifically remember the author's discussion of a particularly terrifying condition where some pregnant women experience such high levels of hormones that their bodies are carried back several evolutionary phases and manage to resurrect the feeding system of our ancestors, which, not unlike that of cats, dogs, and other mammals, included multiple teats for multiple offspring.  In other words, these poor women actually developed additional nipples on their abdomens during pregnancy - not fully-functioning, lactating nipples, but nonetheless visible protrusions echoing the primary pair. 

My saving grace throughout my second pregnancy - the mantra I would always chant when things were going bad - was "at least I don't have a third nipple.  At least I don't have a third nipple." 

I'm a bit afraid to look down these days, however.  I'm not so sure I'll be as lucky this time around. 

Comments

[Michael]

LOL...I've only blogged a month and I have two posts about pooping. By my calculations, you're way overdue for a post about barfing and yeast infections.

Hope you feel better.

[Grace]

Oh, yes the pregnancy woes. Every time we contemplate about a third? I say to Brian, "How about you have the baby this time? I'm just not in the mood to be sick for about a year of my life. And then home with a sick kid every 3 weeks after." Good luck, hope you feel better soon!

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