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September 16, 2007

I Open at the Close


39 1/2 Weeks, originally uploaded by Fannee Doolee.

After this post, I plan on posting only one more - a birth announcement, with perhaps a short account of the labor/delivery experience (for those of you who want the details), but really more of a post-script to this journey that started in the coffice some eighteen months ago.

As I come to the end of this blog, I realize how much it has come to mean to me--not only as a memoir and somewhat satisfying piece of multi-media literature, but as a means of communication that has kept me connected and re-connected me to family and friends near and far.  Fannee Doolee is more than just my musings - it is a product of every person who has read or will read it, whether you've joined in the fray of commenting, sent me private e-mails, or remained one of the many "stalkers" who silently stop by and reflect on my ramblings only in your own private thoughts or prayers.

As I come to the end of this pregnancy, I realize that the journey has led me down a far different path than I had plotted for myself.  I embraced this pregnancy as a "sign from God" that I am worthy and capable of mothering one more child.  Foolishly, I set myself up for failure by believing I would either breeze through a healthy and manageable pregnancy while escalating my career and being everything a mother could be to my family, or somehow finding the strength to do so despite sickness and discomforts.  I have done neither.

And yet, my reward at the end of this path is far greater than being deemed some sort of ordained Supermom.  Not only do I realize that I will never be the perfect wife/mother/lawyer/person, but much more importantly, that I don't have to.  Rather, my reward is a far more valuable realization:  help is there for those who need it (to quote J.K. Rowling once more).  Like a lost driver who finally, finally, breaks down and asks for directions, I see what a blessing it has been for me to follow the path before me, despite the bumps and challenges, because it led me to the inevitable place where I have no choice but to ask for help.  You can't imagine how difficult that was for me to do--and what an epiphany it has been to learn to do it.  In asking for help, the greatest blessing has been revealed to me in the overwhelming support from those closest to me as well as the most unexpected sources.  I am entirely surrounded by people who love me, despite my flaws and my needs, who walk with me along similar paths of uncertainty, who lead me with the wisdom of their own experiences, and who wait for me at the end of the road.

May 20, 2007

Transitions

As most of my family and friends now know, in a spur of events that has led me to significantly alter my About page for the first time since starting this blog, our family is transitioning from the Working Mom/Stay At Home Dad model to that of Working His Butt Off Dad/Stay At Home Full Time and Work Part Time to Stay Sane And Make Ends Meet Mom model.   And as much and as long as I've waited for the day to come when I could finally doff my "Esq." for the "S.A.H.M.", it's all a bit scary right now.

Reading back over my last post -Mothers' Day - just a week ago, I can't help but think it was all a rouse.  Even then, they were secretly plotting how they would bombard me with trivial dilemmas that rapidly escalate to screaming fits of such sheer magnitude that within days I will be locking myself in the bathroom and slowly peeling the skin from my face just for relief.  I comprehend why people beat their kids.  Or drink.  Or disappear. 

Yes, it's been three (3) whole days, and already I am here.  As much as I hate to write this all out publicly, I have to think that somewhere, sometime, some other moms or dads have felt or will feel this way.  Sheer Hell loves company.

Not that my kids are any less amazing, precious and dear to me than they have always been.  (Nor, as far as we know, do our kids suffer from anything more serious than typical sibling/toddler issues - albeit to behavioral extremes - but thank God they are healthy and "normal" because I don't know how I would deal with any additional challenges.)  In fact, I realize that it is because they are everything to me that the toll is so great.  It's not what they won't do, but what I can't do that cuts me to the core.

So my prayer now must be, Please God - let this be the lowest point.  Things can only get better from here.  If I made it through this day, please let me somehow make it through again, and again, and again if I have to.   Let this day be the low water mark that makes any other day that we all get through alive seem like a cause for celebration.  As I figure this out, please let there be no lasting harm to my children, for surely if I'm doing the best I can and can't be blamed for my failures, neither should they.  If they remember anything at all of this transition time in particular, let it be how much I love them, and how hard I tried to make this work.   And God, if there's a kiss and hug and an "I love you mommy" at the end of every day as there have been even for these worst of all days, that will be enough.  Amen. 

April 11, 2007

Wind Energy

Alternate title: What We Did On Spring Break, Part II

Our drive to and from Michigan takes us along a strip of I-75 that sits about 5 miles away from four enormous wind turbines that were erected a few years ago. As Patrick loves all things green, this portion of the trip becomes a bit precarious as he tries to spy the whirling giants through the tree tops and misty skies.  Once spotted, I am always amazed at how larger-than-life they appear, even from miles away.

This last time we passed by the turbines, it was a glorious day, and we had some time to spare, so I gave Patrick the go ahead to exit the freeway and head toward the giant pinwheels.  Our little jaunt turned out to be an educational sight-seeing venture and unique photo shoot:

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Patrick could hardly contain himself.

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According to this information published by Green Energy Ohio (Patrick is a member, of course), the first two turbines went up in 2003. 

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Family photo.   An is thinking "Why am I standing here in the middle of a cornfield?  All of my friends got to go to the beach!"

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I had Logan pose for perspective, to help give a sense of the size of these things.  Although they are enormous, they are amazingly silent.   The three blades are also unexpectedly narrow, but apparently designed for maximum efficiency.

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Looking over these pictures during Easter week, I couldn't help but think of images of the cross. 

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Modern symbols of sacrifice and renewal.

March 30, 2007

More Signs

More words of wisdom from a nearby church marquee:

"Pray hardest when it's hardest to pray."

Amen.

January 23, 2007

True Confessions

Alternate title:  Starting to lay some old ghosts to rest.

Sometime in my first two years of practice, a client asked to have a collections letter sent to one of its franchise owners who owed the client about $12,000 - small change to this client, but they said it was the principle of the thing.  It was not my or my firm's usual line of work, but the client wanted it done, so the task was delegated to lowly associate me.  I sent the letter and followed up with a phone call.  The woman who answered said that the owner didn't deny the debt - he just didn't have the money.  Could they pay a few hundred each month?  The client wasn't interested.  They just wanted a judgment against the guy, so again, I filed the papers and got the judgment.

A while later, I happened to drive by the location of the franchise.  It was in an area of Columbus that had been immersed in deep road construction for months.  The debtor's store front was barely visible behind all the equipment and orange barrels.  No wonder, I thought.

The client never asked us to pursue collecting on the judgment, but months later, I got a letter from the franchise owner - his name was Fred - I got a letter from Fred's estate.  Fred committed suicide shortly after I filed a judgment entry against him on the debt.

I have lived with this knowledge for three years or so now. Sure, I feel bad about it, but it's never been a source of debilitating sadness.  I can rationalize it as well as anyone.  This man's - Fred's - problems were due to more than just his debt to my client.  If it hadn't been me, it would have been some other lowly associate.  I just did what the client wanted - if anyone should feel guilty, it's the client.   

I'm not sure why I'm inspired today to tell about this.  Perhaps it's due to my recent change in perspective, or my consideration of different directions for the future.  Whatever the reason, I do know that it's important for me to share and it's particularly important and appropriate for the content of this blog. 

I mainly write for one audience - my children, when they read this ten or fifteen or so years from now.  For this reason, I often decline to blog on every little unpleasant anecdote, challenge or bad day - not that I'm trying to paint an unrealistically rosy picture, but I want my children to be able to appreciate what was important about this time in our lives.  This is important.  Although it is a difficult story for me to tell, I hope that it helps my children realize that they should never doubt their own principles. 

Being a good person and doing what's right is something I want you to do naturally, instinctively.  The best way to do that is to be true to yourself and trust in your own sense of what's right.  Sometimes it will be hard to listen to your own voice, and all too easy to just do what you're told.  Don't make the same mistake I did.

Had I listened to my own conscience instead of doing what the client told me to do, would Fred be alive today?  Maybe not.  Maybe nothing would have turned out any differently for Fred.  But things certainly would have turned out differently for me. 

January 17, 2007

Other People's Song Lyrics

Ok, normally I wouldn't do this, but since my other options for post content are not that appealing right now, I'm actually going to post some pop song lyrics on my blog.  The first is for the song Listen from the Dreamgirls soundtrack, which has been going through my head since Sunday when I first saw the movie (if you have not seen Dreamgirls yet, drop what you are doing and go see it.  Now.):

Listen to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own

All 'cause you won't listen

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

Of course, it's much more powerful listening to Beyonce sing it.  . . . I can't believe I actually just wrote that, but I can't deny that I absolutely disintegrated in the movie theatre during the scene where Beyonce's Deena Jones/Diana Ross character sings this song to her husband, Curtis/Berry Gordy Jr., who is trying to make her star in this god-awful Cleopatra film . . .

OK, the next one comes from an e-mail I just got from my mom (see where I get it from?) for the song Who I Am by Jessica Andrews:

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
'Cause I know exactly who I am


I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am


So when I make big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin'
I will be just fine
'Cause nothin' changes who I am

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser, I'm a winner
I'm am steady and unstable
I am young but I'm able


I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

Now, the ironic thing about this is that I really do have a grandmother named Rosemary.  What are the chances of that?  And at times, you could say I'm the spitting image of my father, although I hear I look alot like my mother, at least with straight hair.   But the rest of the song couldn't be truer. 

November 12, 2006

Better to Give Than to Receive

The parable from the New Testament goes something like this:  It's collection day at the temple, and all of the noble-types are making huge donations, after which their names are announced along with the amount of their donation and trumpets are played to honor their generosity.  Then a poor beggar woman comes forward and gives the only money she has - two pennies.  No announcement or trumpets, but Jesus jumps up and says, "You hypocrites!  Here you are bragging about giving what you can afford, but this woman has given all that she has.  Her gift is greater." 

The parable from my own personal experience goes like this:  During my freshman year of college, I came down with a nasty cold that was a bit more than the campus health clinic could handle.  I didn't have a car, so I called for a taxi to take me to the nearest urgent care facility.  The taxi never showed up, but a bus came along, so I decided to take a chance with public transportation as the place I needed to go was just a few miles up the street.

Having never ridden a bus before, I had no idea that the $20 I had grabbed to pay cab fare would not work in the bus's automatic fare-taker machine, which only took exact change.  I had no change.  The bus driver, having pulled away from the curb even before the door had closed behind me, looked at me like I must be from Mars and headed for the next stop, instructing me that I would have to exit since I could not pay the fare. 

I was dumbfounded.  Already feverish, sick and sniveling, I began sobbing and could not speak.  Through a blur of tears, I saw a small, dark figure move forward from the back of the bus, dig through a worn change purse that contained no paper currency whatsoever and produce my bus fare.   Still dumbfounded, I managed to find my seat, choke down my sobs for a few more stops, then stumble into the urgent care to complete my breakdown.  I don't even think I said thank you to the woman who paid my bus fare.  In hindsight, I should have just given her the $20. 

The New Testament parable was the basis of today's sermon, in which Reverend Karen took what could have been the typical stewardship rally sermon to a new level.  She discussed giving as a "spiritual exercise." 

I have been mulling over some thoughts along these same lines, and this morning's sermon helped clarify some of these concepts.  In terms of finances and material things, I'd say that my household is in a fairly comfortable category of having enough to cover our "basic" needs without digging further into our debt hole, but no more than that.  In fact, Patrick and I joke that we are subject to the Murphy's Law of money.  If we ever find ourselves with some unexpected windfall, we get hit with an unexpected expense of about the same amount.  (Case in point, the week Patrick got paid for his first job, I blew out a tire on the minivan).  Fortunately, this law of money has worked in reverse for us a few times as well.  When we need to pay for something unexpected, usually a windfall is not too far off.  Still, we regularly feel that we'd be more "comfortable" if we could save a little more, or a little less stressed if we could achieve our goal to pay down our debt.

It seems quite an acceptable thing to have goals, and for those goals to push us, to require some effort to achieve.  How many people do you know who a personal goal to achieve nothing.  Who says, "Six months from now, I hope to be exactly the same as I am now."  We'd say, "That's not a goal!"  Heck, I even have "hair goals" because it seems unacceptable to keep the same 'do for too long. 

But, for some things, I wonder what purpose it serves to have goals that continually increase.  We never feel satisfied.  We never feel that we've accomplished what we've set out to do, even though we've far exceeded many previous goals.  We never stop to enjoy what we have. 

Particularly with money, I've found it to be true that the more you have, the more you need.  Think about that as a mathematical equation for a moment, with X being the amount you have, and X + 10 being the amount you need.  You want the amount you have, X, to equal the amount you need, X + 10, but as soon as you increase the amount you have, the amount you need increases as well.  The two can never be equal.

Unmathematically speaking, I think of it as the power money has over us.  I think of all the stress people suffer because they are unable to achieve their monetary or other goals.  Lord knows how many marriages have perished because one or both spouses felt they did not have enough money and did not share the same philosophy on what "enough" money is or how to deal with not having "enough."  As the amount you need (X + 10) increases, so do these stresses.

So, how do you get out from under the power of money?  How do you decrease the stress?  Decrease your need, of course.  If my mathematical hypothesis holds true, decreasing the amount you have (X) will decrease the amount you need (X + 10).

This puts a whole new spin on charitable giving.  Where many advocate that you should give and give generously in order to support the work of the church, stop world hunger, save the whales, what have you, the concept of giving as a spiritual exercise is more about blasting through all the materialism and coin counting in order to appreciate and receive valuable spirituality with which our materialism interferes.  (My apologies if this is a bit too esoteric - as I mentioned in the previous post, it is very difficult for me to NOT think deeply sometimes, and I don't feel like making that much of an effort at the moment.)

Has anyone ever given until it hurts?  I've been "stupid generous" in the past - it's a long story, but I once paid $1500 for a live band to appear at a law school function as a matter of principle.  This was way more money than I could afford, but I knew I wasn't going to be out on the street as a result.  The law school later reimbursed me for the expense, and I fully intended to pay the law school back once I was earning an attorney's salary.  I haven't done that.  Funny, how easy it was for me to give up that $1500 as a law student earning well under $20,000 per year and yet I can't bring myself to make that kind of gift now, as a well-compensated attorney. 

Of course, that was before we had kids, or a hefty mortgage.  Now, when I make financial donations, the amount of my contribution is tempered by the fear that I may not have enough to take care of my family.  What if we had to sacrifice some comforts? What if we couldn't afford our house anymore? 

In part, I get up and go to work in the incredibly materialistic, numbers-driven world of lawsuits, damages, billable hours and incentive bonuses every day because of that fear.  I give, but not until it hurts.  I'm still subject to the power of money. 

Love of family can fuel some powerful fears.  So, maybe I won't be brave enough to fully test my hypothesis, but I remain curious to discover if it holds true:  the less you have, the less you'll need.  There may even be a proportional decrease in the X additive, 10, such that when your need decreases below a certain level, the equation would look more like "X does not quite = X + 7" or "X is enough even though X + 5 would be great" or "X is really all I need even though everything else tells me I need X + 3," or “X » Æ Í Ñ ¥

Peace,

FD

November 10, 2006

Setting the Table

Driving home after performing with our choir at the evening service for a Covenant Network convention in Columbus:

"Wow.  That was some service.  And when we took communion - what the guy said about it not being the table of the Broad Street Presbyterian Church, or even the table of the Presbyterian Church U.S.A., but being God's table, where everyone is welcome - I just wanted to stand up and cheer."

"Everyone.  That means everyone."

"Right - Everyone."

"So, Who do You exclude from the table?

"Me?  Who am I to exclude anyone from the table?"

"No - as a practical matter, Who do You exclude from the table?  With "exclude from the table" being a metaphor here - it's symbolic."

"That's a good question."

"Sometimes it's enough to just ask the question."

"I mean, well - who do YOU exclude from the table?"

"Me?  Well, I suppose I've excluded all sorts of people at one time or another."

"So, what is the metaphor?  What's it mean to 'exclude someone from the table?'"

"Well, to me, the essence of Christianity, Christ's love - whatever - basically distills down to the concept that everything is interconnected.  So, to exclude someone from the table would be to deny or fail to see your connection with that person or that group."

"Is that something that takes very much effort for you?  To think something that deep?"

"It takes very much effort for me to NOT think something that deep."

September 09, 2006

Facing My Fears

Do the words "Honey, I'm having a truckload of topsoil delivered to our driveway" strike fear in your heart?  You're not alone.  They hit my ears along with frightfull imagery of ground-in dirt tracked throughout the house, up the walls, in the refrigerator - everywhere. 

But, the topsoil was on its way, and there was nothing I could do about it.  So, I decided it would be best to not only face my fear, but embrace my fear.  Or rather, I should say, let my children embrace my fear: 

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The moment he saw the dump truck pull in to the driveway, his eyes lit up like Christmas morning.  Since I knew there would be no use trying to keep them away from it, I decided to put them to work:

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What goes up -
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Must come down . . .

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"REACH!"

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How could I possibly deny them such fun?

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Hold still, Kiki, I want to take a picture of your dirty face, because you're never ever going to get this dirty again, OK?

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Now, here's a girl who's not afraid to get a little dirt under her fingernails:

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Fearless.

June 16, 2006

Not Acceptable

This week, I learned that another one of my friends, age 41, has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  It just makes me so mad.  I am happy for the recovery of my other friends who have recently battled this disease (two of whom were in their mid-thirties and nursing babies when diagnosed) and I am so proud of the positive way that they and many other women I know have gotten through treatment, but I can't help feeling outraged that so many women must go through this -- the anxiety, the surgeries, the chemo, radiation, hair loss - it is just NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!

After seeing the "Eyes Wide Open" exhibit earlier this week (see previous post), I am imagining a similar exhibit called "Bras Wide Open."  Can you envision it?  An empty bra for every breast or pair of breasts that have been lost - pink bras to represent women who've died.  Bras for women from Ohio alone would be enough to cover the Statehouse lawn. 

Not that I think people are really unaware of the increasing prevalence of breast cancer.  Just about everyone has a friend, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin or co-worker who has gone though this.  But I do think we need to become more aware about the causes of cancer and what we do in our daily lives that contributes to these causes.

The Komen Race for the Cure is great, but it's not enough.  We need to race for the Cause, not just the cure.  When two other friends were diagnosed about a year ago, I began visiting the site for The Breast Cancer Fund, which purports to be the leading national organization focused on identifying the causes of breast cancer and preventing the disease.  The site contains some great (albeit scary) information on many things in our everyday lives that expose us to harmful chemicals and a helpful tip card with six things you can do to reduce your risk:  Download SixThingsYouCanDo.pdf   

Interestingly, the Breast Cancer Fund's site reports that self examination and clinical examination (performed by your doctor) are the most effective ways of detecting breast cancer.  There is also some controversy over whether the radiation from mammograms may actually increase the likelihood of developing cancer.   To confirm this point, my just-diagnosed friend discovered her lumps herself - they did not show up on a mammogram even at a size of 6 mm. 

I no longer wonder if I will get breast cancer, but when.  In fact, I just ordered a copy of "The Breast Book" by Dr. Susan Love to send to my friend, and I decided to get a copy for myself so I can at least be a little familiar with the lingo when that fateful day comes.

Do I sound paranoid?  Am I making you feel the same?  Well, if it means that some of you might start doing BSE more regularly or make other changes to reduce your risk, then I won't apologize.  Please don't let this tirade overwhelm you to the point that you want to hide your head in the sand on this issue - I've done that, too. 

I started this blog to be a scrapbook, not a soap box, so I debated about writing about this here at all, especially after what has already been a fairly serious detour from the usual "cutie pie kiddie" posts.  But I feel so strongly about this that I want to tell everyone I know in every way I can.  Although much of the environmental literature leads me to conclude that even if I do everything "right" from this point forward, I can't undo the damage of harmful exposures from years ago.  But, I can start a trend of change.  And if that means that Keelin's and Logan's daughters' daughters won't have to go through this, then it's worth it.